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In an effort to eradicate the virus that has crippled the world, an estimated 900,000 college kids gathered on a Miami beach to protest the spread of COVID-19.

The dumbest march in human history

The massive crowd, largely made up of college kids whose spring break was cancelled, was organized on Tik Tok by leader @JohnnyBigBalls.

“We need to let this dumb piece of shit virus know its not welcome here” Mr. Balls said. “ Its like, totally not cool, that just because some guy in Korea didn’t wash his hands after petting a falcon that I can’t funnel beer without swallowing hand sanitizer” he stated while making it crystal clear that he had no idea what COVID-19 was.

@JohnnyBigBalls explaining the need for a social distancing million man march

Blacked out protesters walked the streets with signs that ranged from informative Wash Hands, Save Livesto less informativeCOVID-19 doesn’t even go hereto factually inaccurate Miley Cyrus caused the Corona Virus. “

Although, to be fair, that last sign has not been proven wrong.

We must make it known that we attempted to speak to hundreds of protesters regarding the rationale for this incredible ill advised march. The only somewhat comprehensible response we received was from 21 year old Theater major, Tiffany (last name omitted as to not shame her family).

We asked Tiffany why she felt a massive gathering would help eradicate a global pandemic? Her response— “Its fucking science, bitch”.

We are legally required to mention, it is in fact, not science.

While many attendees of the march state they are keeping human contact to a minimum, we find that the 200 person orgy on 5th ave, now being referred to by the participants as “TOUCHFEST 2020“, indicates otherwise.

The CDC estimates this gathering will set the United States back 8 months in terms of containment and cause approximately 40,000 more deaths worldwide.

Our efforts to contact organizer @johnnybigballs for a response to the CDC failed as he was unavailable due to being busy recording a, and we quote, “dope ass ‘I just flipped the switch’ Tik Tok, bro”.


Stay safe everyone.

Update: @JohnnyBigBalls has tested positive for CoronaVirus

Epstein island explodes. FBI Claims “Toaster malfunction”

“Yeah, man looks like someone left the toaster plugged in, blew up the entire island–i don’t know” This was the reason given by Acting Director of the FBI, Johnathan Wright.

The island named Little Saint James island, or more aptly titled by the locals “pedophile island” is said to be ground zero for the rapes involving America’s most powerful people.

The timing is concerning to some as the island has been subject to multiple raids as authorities continue to search for evidence. However, multiple FBI agents have assured us–and we quote– “IT WAS THE FUCKING TOASTER!”

We reached out to a toaster expert, known in the toaster community as Dr. Toaster, to see if this explanation holds weight. He explains “One toaster malfunction could definitely leave a black mark on a marble counter top but is unlikely to generate force equivalent to the Hiroshima Nuclear Bomb needed to obliterate an island.” His answer, to be fair, is not a definite no.

Toaster explosion as seen from space.

We informed Dr. Toaster of the FBI’s official story and asked what kind of toaster could do this. “Well if the toaster was made by industry standards the toaster would have to be the size of Jupiter to blow up that island” he stated. “But that toaster doesn’t exist because there is no bread that big”. That last part seemed to be irrelevant.

People are growing increasingly suspicious as the two prison guards who have been rumored to be paid accessories to the Epstein “suicide” have been arrested and are cooperating with authorities. Their information could lead to the arrest of higher ranking members of this operation. We reached an agreement with the guard’s lawyers for a 5 minute interview. However, we’ve been informed both guards were involved in a similar toaster incident and are currently on life support.

Unhappy with this explanation we caught up with Jonathan Wright outside of his FBI office. We blocked his car as he was pulling off in his brand new $4 million dollar Lykan Hypersport.We told him we were not convinced by the explanation and believes he was paid off. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY” he yelled as he pulled out a gold plated gun–We let him drive off.

While #Toastergate is ongoing we will keep you informed of any new information we obtain.

Update: 3 Black cars just pulled up outside my house. I think they’re connected with Epsteindkdojc;.rfeefkeeee help theyre trying to killfdorjofrrrfi0fi0rfrfprrrfkl,’l./’ll/’k’

Bezos accidentally sells Entire company on prime day for 17.99$

In what will almost certainly change the future of e-commerce for centuries to come, Jeff Bezos, owner of AMAZON (NSDQ:AMZ), has accidentally sold the entire company on Prime day for 17.99$.

The Company valued at 1 Trillion dollars, was sold to 22 year old, amateur rap artist, Mikey Schlitz or better known by his rap name Lil Fungus.

“I went on Amazon looking for a fire stick and saw a weird posting title Amazon Stock: 17.99$.” said Lil Fungus. “ I’m not big into numbers so I wasn’t sure if 78 Million stocks in Amazon was worth 17.99$ but i had money left on a gift card from my rehab graduation party and shipping was free so I rolled the dice.”

As to how such a tragic thing could happen we asked a man who was in Amazon headquarters at the time, Chief Marketing Officer, Tyler Downs. “During our temporary flash deals we send messages to Product Specialists for immediate upload for quick sale. One of our senior employees, accidentally sent the file ‘CEO Stock Options’ instead of ‘Cell Phone Holder’ and a careless intern uploaded the information without review.

(Picture Above) Jeff Bezos after clearing out his office

Unfortunately for ex-Amazon CEO and current unemployed, divorced, bald, middle aged man, Jeff Bezos, his signature is required on so many documents that it is electronically generated on all documents that require his signature. Thus becoming legally binding.

While the deal is sure to be fought in court, and it is worth noting that Lil Fungus plans to represent himself, Amazon’s Merchant/Customer policy explicitly states, any product/service bought on any merchant’s sight will be honored at price sold even if caused by error.

When asked what he plans to do with his newfound wealth Lil Fungus responded with a solid business plan, simply saying “Dope Shit” before he rode off on his skateboard. The Market does not seem to share his enthsiasm as stocks for Amazon have dropped 3,000,000,000%.

Lebron and Anthony davis Restructure deals for veteran minimums; sign $30 million space jam 2 salaries

The NBA was rocked last Saturday when the Lakers traded for NBA superstar Anthony Davis. However, that excitement was soon calmed when it was revealed that due to timing the Lakers would only have $23 million in Cap room with only 3 players currently signed. Then out of sheer selflessness and desire to win Lebron James and Anthony Davis restructured their contracts to sign for veteran minimums and free up $83 million in cap space. Absolutely Amazing.

In an unrelated story LeBron and Anthony Davis recently sign $30 Million dollar deals to star in Space Jam 2. In what can only be describe as instant good karma, the Gods were clearly blessing these two men for their dedication to winning.

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NBA GM reveals he uses espn nba mock draft to make pick.

An NBA GM who wishes to remain anonymous has admitted today that he simply used ESPN’s mock draft to decide who he will be taking during Thursday’s draft.

The Mysterious GM, who is picking 8th in this years NBA draft, admitted that its pretty well established the order that players should be picked and who’s the best talent so there’s no need to go through, and its worth noting that he actually used his own air quotes for this next part, “workouts” and “combine shit”.

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Alex morgan to miss world cup game; Cant get applebee’s shift covered

Alex Morgan will miss her World Cup Match against Chile this Sunday after she failed to get her shift at Applebee’s covered.

Morgan who has been working at Applebee’s for the last 8 years to cover expenses believe she had her shift covered but when Beth, a single mother of 3, twisted her ankle on a Lego, she could no longer cover the shift.

Morgan tried to convince her manager to allow 17-year old Tina Brown to cover the shift but Tina has just started and had not completed the 3-week mandatory training for all Applebee’s employee’s to undergo before conducting a solo shift.

Alex Morgan during happier times.

You may be asking Why can’t Alex Morgan just call out for such a huge game; but that is actually the problem. On a normal Sunday she could call out and the staff could handle that, however Today is a World Cup game which will more than triple the average capacity. Morgan’s very talent of leading the team this far is the exact reason why she has to fill up soda’s for 8 hours on Sunday while her team tries to advance in the world’s biggest tournament.

This obviously brings into question the humongous wage gap disparity between Men and Women’s soccer. We reached out to all 20 members of the US Men’s soccer team but couldn’t get passed their secretaries.

Analysts are still confident that Team USA can pull this win off without Morgan. They won their last game against Thailand 13-0 and they’re playing against a Chile team that was just formed 3 Weeks ago with women from a Chilean Flea Market.

Update: Carlie Lloyd will also miss the game after car breaks down and bus pass being expired.

New Police Sketch For Toronto Strangler looks suspiciously like Steph Curry.

     On June 9th, 2019 the Toronto Sheriff’s department released the an updated police sketch rendering of the man they believe to be responsible for dozens of strangle deaths in the Toronto Area over the last 20 years. Many have been quick to point out it looks suspiciously like Golden State Warriors star guard Steph Curry.

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New Report shows Backstreet Boys responsible for killing Osama Bin Laden

CNN has obtained a new report showing that Seal Team Six, the ultra elite and high level group of trained assassins that carried out the Raid on the compound that killed Osama Bin Laden was partly made up by all 5 members of the Backstreet Boys.CNN’s Anderson Cooper was able to obtain confidential documents that showed all the names of those involved on the raid that murky night in May 2011. Curiously,  5of those 13 names Cooper saw were  Nick Carter, Brian Littrell, Howie Dorough, Kevin Richardson, and AJ Mclean.

Too Big to be a coincidence CNN reached out to Senior White House Military Office official Keith Davis who confirmed that those were the same 5 90s teen heart-throbs that crafted the Iconic song “I Want It That Way.”

We asked Mr. Davis if he could elaborate on how this pairing came about as the Backstreet Boys have not made public their training as high level Assassins, and quite frankly, no one ever thought to ask. “ We’ve been working with the boys for about a decade and a half now. We first approached them back in 2005 to play the party of a Mexican Drug Dealers who’s daughter loved the group and they were our only way to gain access . Since we obviously could not get armed SEALs through the door we had to train the Boys to work as a unit and kill if necessary.” Davis stated.

CNN was still curious as to how the relationship was maintained after a 15 years and Davis elaborated, “ Well, they took so well to that 2005 mission that some of us became convinced they’ve killed before. It was actually Brian Littrell who approached us and said the group, who at the time were struggling , was eager for their next mission. Initially we laughed but then realized there were many covert missions we could use them for. We used them any time we needed to create a scene at a mall, festival, bachelorette party or festival. However it soon became clear that the way these 5 guys worked together through years of choreography, travel, and touring created a level on synchronicity that rivaled those of SEALs that went through BUDs training.”
We pushed further into how they became apart of the Bin Laden raid. “Simple, they became our best SEALS. After 6 years of training, obviously taking breaks for TRL, Radio Interviews, and the occasional college show, all 5 of the guys became military legends in their own right. When Obama approached and said we need a team in 1 hr to deploy to Pakistan, everybody in the room said in unison “ Get us the Backstreet Boys now!!! We deployed the F16s to pick them up at Q102’s summer fest within 30 minutes they were strapped and ready to kill the leader of Al-Queda.”

It is unclear as to what capacity the Backstreet Boys still work with the Navy Seals as they are gearing up for a new 5 month world Tour. However, we did some research, and on November 10th, 2018 when North Korea spontaneously mobilized their troops and nuclear bombs, the Backstreet Boys canceled their Las Vegas Residency Show that night. They Stated it was due to vocal cord injuries but the next day North Korea backed off their mobilization and has not done so since. We can not be sure this was the work of the Backstreet Boys but it is curious.

Smarty Jones wins 15th Straight Kentucky Derby

     In a stretch of dominance that may never be seen again Smarty Jones, born Horse #678-92, has won the Kentucky derby for the 15th year in a row. In a race that is dominated by 3 year olds an 18 year old Smarty Jones winning is truly hard to believe.
     “At an age where most race horses have been dead for 7 years, to win the derby just shows how dedicated this horse is to greatness” said Tom Jansen, Smarty’s trainer of 10 years”. “When most horses are relaxing, eating hay, and being put out to stud, Smarty is in the weight room, getting in those hoof presses and horse leg training”.
     Opposing Jockeys have questioned how good this continued racing is for Smarty’s healthy. Mike Spence a jockey who race against Smarty two years ago recalls one horrifying race imparticular; “It was like he had no soul, he ran hard but Im pretty sure he didn’t blink or breathe once, and I saw multiple patches of his skin fall of throughout the race” Spence Said. Another Jockey Stated “I’m pretty sure they buried him in Pet Cemetery because that ain’t no horse anymore”.
    Smarty declined to comment for this story.

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Saved By The Bell being rebooted with original cast in original roles

Netflix has announced that it will be picking up a reboot of Saved by the Bell that follows a 13 year old Zack Morris navigating his way through the perils of high school with his signature charm and wit. The curious part however is that they announced it will feature the original cast in their original roles.     

You heard that right, 44 year old mark Paul Gosselar will reprise his role as high school freshman Zach Morris; as will Mario Lopez, Tiffani Thiesen and the rest of the gang.The series will stay close to the plot of the original series with the cast dealing with First dates, Parent trouble, teen peer pressure and going through puberty. It remains to be seen how well actors who experience these life milestones over 3 decades ago can recreate the emotions that go along with them.

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