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In an effort to eradicate the virus that has crippled the world, an estimated 900,000 college kids gathered on a Miami beach to protest the spread of COVID-19.

The dumbest march in human history

The massive crowd, largely made up of college kids whose spring break was cancelled, was organized on Tik Tok by leader @JohnnyBigBalls.

“We need to let this dumb piece of shit virus know its not welcome here” Mr. Balls said. “ Its like, totally not cool, that just because some guy in Korea didn’t wash his hands after petting a falcon that I can’t funnel beer without swallowing hand sanitizer” he stated while making it crystal clear that he had no idea what COVID-19 was.

@JohnnyBigBalls explaining the need for a social distancing million man march

Blacked out protesters walked the streets with signs that ranged from informative Wash Hands, Save Livesto less informativeCOVID-19 doesn’t even go hereto factually inaccurate Miley Cyrus caused the Corona Virus. “

Although, to be fair, that last sign has not been proven wrong.

We must make it known that we attempted to speak to hundreds of protesters regarding the rationale for this incredible ill advised march. The only somewhat comprehensible response we received was from 21 year old Theater major, Tiffany (last name omitted as to not shame her family).

We asked Tiffany why she felt a massive gathering would help eradicate a global pandemic? Her response— “Its fucking science, bitch”.

We are legally required to mention, it is in fact, not science.

While many attendees of the march state they are keeping human contact to a minimum, we find that the 200 person orgy on 5th ave, now being referred to by the participants as “TOUCHFEST 2020“, indicates otherwise.

The CDC estimates this gathering will set the United States back 8 months in terms of containment and cause approximately 40,000 more deaths worldwide.

Our efforts to contact organizer @johnnybigballs for a response to the CDC failed as he was unavailable due to being busy recording a, and we quote, “dope ass ‘I just flipped the switch’ Tik Tok, bro”.


Stay safe everyone.

Update: @JohnnyBigBalls has tested positive for CoronaVirus

Saved By The Bell being rebooted with original cast in original roles

Netflix has announced that it will be picking up a reboot of Saved by the Bell that follows a 13 year old Zack Morris navigating his way through the perils of high school with his signature charm and wit. The curious part however is that they announced it will feature the original cast in their original roles.     

You heard that right, 44 year old mark Paul Gosselar will reprise his role as high school freshman Zach Morris; as will Mario Lopez, Tiffani Thiesen and the rest of the gang.The series will stay close to the plot of the original series with the cast dealing with First dates, Parent trouble, teen peer pressure and going through puberty. It remains to be seen how well actors who experience these life milestones over 3 decades ago can recreate the emotions that go along with them.

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Critics shocked at 25 Minute Avengers: Endgame full penetration sex scene.

A select few critics that were granted early access to Avengers: Endgame were appalled to discover a 25 minute full penetration sex scene early on in the movie.The scene calls into question the movies PG-13 rating. “I brought my 6 year old daughter as a birthday present and she is currently in the trauma center at New York Medical crying and shaking uncontrollably” Said Senior Critic from MovieTimes Bob Jackson, who as a result is now being investigated by DYFS.         

 Critics also don’t seem to feel the scene was necessary. The scene which is between Thor and Captain Marvel reportedly comes out of nowhere when the remaining Avengers leave the room after a group meeting on how to deal with the villain Thanos. As one Critic described it “They hadn’t spoke to each other the entire meeting, then all of the sudden they just lock eyes and charge towards each other” said the critic who begged to remain anonymous”. He also stated that while the movie’s score is incredible and present throughout the entire film that these 25 minutes are hauntingly silent.”All you hear is skin rubbing, grunts, and vague moans that when coming through IMAX speakers make the act feel dirty and illegal”. 

You Already Know

      According to reports the scene also doesn’t even tie in to the rest of the movie and is never acknowledged by anyone. “We thought that since about 15 minutes in Captain America is seen looking through the window and watches for about 5 minutes with tears in his eye that this may be the beginning of a love triangle. But No! Not at one fucking time does this scene get acknowledged ever as Thor and Captain Marvel don’t even speak for the rest of the film “ an 8 year old fan who was there on behalf of the Make-a-Wish foundation states.
      However despite the curious scene the movie currently stands at 98% on Rotten Tomatoes critics meter with reviews such as “a hot edgy fuck fest” and “ An incredible film with some sultry surprises”
      As to what other surprises lie in store, the rest of us will just have to wait until the film is released April 26