Category Archives: sports

Lebron and Anthony davis Restructure deals for veteran minimums; sign $30 million space jam 2 salaries

The NBA was rocked last Saturday when the Lakers traded for NBA superstar Anthony Davis. However, that excitement was soon calmed when it was revealed that due to timing the Lakers would only have $23 million in Cap room with only 3 players currently signed. Then out of sheer selflessness and desire to win Lebron James and Anthony Davis restructured their contracts to sign for veteran minimums and free up $83 million in cap space. Absolutely Amazing.

In an unrelated story LeBron and Anthony Davis recently sign $30 Million dollar deals to star in Space Jam 2. In what can only be describe as instant good karma, the Gods were clearly blessing these two men for their dedication to winning.

Continue reading Lebron and Anthony davis Restructure deals for veteran minimums; sign $30 million space jam 2 salaries

NBA GM reveals he uses espn nba mock draft to make pick.

An NBA GM who wishes to remain anonymous has admitted today that he simply used ESPN’s mock draft to decide who he will be taking during Thursday’s draft.

The Mysterious GM, who is picking 8th in this years NBA draft, admitted that its pretty well established the order that players should be picked and who’s the best talent so there’s no need to go through, and its worth noting that he actually used his own air quotes for this next part, “workouts” and “combine shit”.

Continue reading NBA GM reveals he uses espn nba mock draft to make pick.

Alex morgan to miss world cup game; Cant get applebee’s shift covered

Alex Morgan will miss her World Cup Match against Chile this Sunday after she failed to get her shift at Applebee’s covered.

Morgan who has been working at Applebee’s for the last 8 years to cover expenses believe she had her shift covered but when Beth, a single mother of 3, twisted her ankle on a Lego, she could no longer cover the shift.

Morgan tried to convince her manager to allow 17-year old Tina Brown to cover the shift but Tina has just started and had not completed the 3-week mandatory training for all Applebee’s employee’s to undergo before conducting a solo shift.

Alex Morgan during happier times.

You may be asking Why can’t Alex Morgan just call out for such a huge game; but that is actually the problem. On a normal Sunday she could call out and the staff could handle that, however Today is a World Cup game which will more than triple the average capacity. Morgan’s very talent of leading the team this far is the exact reason why she has to fill up soda’s for 8 hours on Sunday while her team tries to advance in the world’s biggest tournament.

This obviously brings into question the humongous wage gap disparity between Men and Women’s soccer. We reached out to all 20 members of the US Men’s soccer team but couldn’t get passed their secretaries.

Analysts are still confident that Team USA can pull this win off without Morgan. They won their last game against Thailand 13-0 and they’re playing against a Chile team that was just formed 3 Weeks ago with women from a Chilean Flea Market.

Update: Carlie Lloyd will also miss the game after car breaks down and bus pass being expired.

Smarty Jones wins 15th Straight Kentucky Derby

     In a stretch of dominance that may never be seen again Smarty Jones, born Horse #678-92, has won the Kentucky derby for the 15th year in a row. In a race that is dominated by 3 year olds an 18 year old Smarty Jones winning is truly hard to believe.
     “At an age where most race horses have been dead for 7 years, to win the derby just shows how dedicated this horse is to greatness” said Tom Jansen, Smarty’s trainer of 10 years”. “When most horses are relaxing, eating hay, and being put out to stud, Smarty is in the weight room, getting in those hoof presses and horse leg training”.
     Opposing Jockeys have questioned how good this continued racing is for Smarty’s healthy. Mike Spence a jockey who race against Smarty two years ago recalls one horrifying race imparticular; “It was like he had no soul, he ran hard but Im pretty sure he didn’t blink or breathe once, and I saw multiple patches of his skin fall of throughout the race” Spence Said. Another Jockey Stated “I’m pretty sure they buried him in Pet Cemetery because that ain’t no horse anymore”.
    Smarty declined to comment for this story.

Continue reading Smarty Jones wins 15th Straight Kentucky Derby

Bryce Harper bat flip claims 4th life this season.

     The league said it plans to talk about post home run bat flipping at the annual 2020 Winter meetings after A Bryce Harper bat flip claimed its 4th life this season. Leading to his 7th homerun of the year last Tuesday against the Atlanta Braves; Harper mashed a 2-2 fastball into the upper decks. As the crowd erupted into cheers Harper took 3 steps out of the batters box and did his signature “bat flip”. The bat-flip found its way into the 18th row, still spinning viciously and striking longtime Philly fan, and mother of 7, Kathy Shend in the head causing a brain hemorraghe. She was pronounced dead at the hospital later that night.
     Shend marks the 4th victim of a Harper celebration this season and 7th in the last 4 years. Earlier this year a broken bat homerun by Harper led to a half bat flip that sliced the Aorta of a fan in line at the concession stand.This was following his 1st Homerun of the season which led Bryce to flip his bat out of the stadium, onto I-95, smashing the windshield of a Ford Tahoe and causing a 4 car accident that killed 2.

Continue reading Bryce Harper bat flip claims 4th life this season.