Category Archives: Politics

Epstein island explodes. FBI Claims “Toaster malfunction”

“Yeah, man looks like someone left the toaster plugged in, blew up the entire island–i don’t know” This was the reason given by Acting Director of the FBI, Johnathan Wright.

The island named Little Saint James island, or more aptly titled by the locals “pedophile island” is said to be ground zero for the rapes involving America’s most powerful people.

The timing is concerning to some as the island has been subject to multiple raids as authorities continue to search for evidence. However, multiple FBI agents have assured us–and we quote– “IT WAS THE FUCKING TOASTER!”

We reached out to a toaster expert, known in the toaster community as Dr. Toaster, to see if this explanation holds weight. He explains “One toaster malfunction could definitely leave a black mark on a marble counter top but is unlikely to generate force equivalent to the Hiroshima Nuclear Bomb needed to obliterate an island.” His answer, to be fair, is not a definite no.

Toaster explosion as seen from space.

We informed Dr. Toaster of the FBI’s official story and asked what kind of toaster could do this. “Well if the toaster was made by industry standards the toaster would have to be the size of Jupiter to blow up that island” he stated. “But that toaster doesn’t exist because there is no bread that big”. That last part seemed to be irrelevant.

People are growing increasingly suspicious as the two prison guards who have been rumored to be paid accessories to the Epstein “suicide” have been arrested and are cooperating with authorities. Their information could lead to the arrest of higher ranking members of this operation. We reached an agreement with the guard’s lawyers for a 5 minute interview. However, we’ve been informed both guards were involved in a similar toaster incident and are currently on life support.

Unhappy with this explanation we caught up with Jonathan Wright outside of his FBI office. We blocked his car as he was pulling off in his brand new $4 million dollar Lykan Hypersport.We told him we were not convinced by the explanation and believes he was paid off. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY” he yelled as he pulled out a gold plated gun–We let him drive off.

While #Toastergate is ongoing we will keep you informed of any new information we obtain.

Update: 3 Black cars just pulled up outside my house. I think they’re connected with Epsteindkdojc;.rfeefkeeee help theyre trying to killfdorjofrrrfi0fi0rfrfprrrfkl,’l./’ll/’k’