In an effort to eradicate the virus that has crippled the world, an estimated 900,000 college kids gathered on a Miami beach to protest the spread of COVID-19.
The massive crowd, largely made up of college kids whose spring break was cancelled, was organized on Tik Tok by leader @JohnnyBigBalls.
“We need to let this dumb piece of shit virus know its not welcome here” Mr. Balls said. “ Its like, totally not cool, that just because some guy in Korea didn’t wash his hands after petting a falcon that I can’t funnel beer without swallowing hand sanitizer” he stated while making it crystal clear that he had no idea what COVID-19 was.
Blacked out protesters walked the streets with signs that ranged from informative “Wash Hands, Save Lives” to less informative “COVID-19 doesn’t even go here” to factually inaccurate “Miley Cyrus caused the Corona Virus. “
Although, to be fair, that last sign has not been proven wrong.
We must make it known that we attempted to speak to hundreds of protesters regarding the rationale for this incredible ill advised march. The only somewhat comprehensible response we received was from 21 year old Theater major, Tiffany (last name omitted as to not shame her family).
We asked Tiffany why she felt a massive gathering would help eradicate a global pandemic? Her response— “Its fucking science, bitch”.
We are legally required to mention, it is in fact, not science.
While many attendees of the march state they are keeping human contact to a minimum, we find that the 200 person orgy on 5th ave, now being referred to by the participants as “TOUCHFEST 2020“, indicates otherwise.
The CDC estimates this gathering will set the United States back 8 months in terms of containment and cause approximately 40,000 more deaths worldwide.
Our efforts to contact organizer @johnnybigballs for a response to the CDC failed as he was unavailable due to being busy recording a, and we quote, “dope ass ‘I just flipped the switch’ Tik Tok, bro”.
Stay safe everyone.
Update: @JohnnyBigBalls has tested positive for CoronaVirus